Responding VS Reacting in relationships

By tassschwab, 16 April, 2012

I wrote this article a while ago and the principles can be used in business relationshops as well:

There come a time in a new relationship when you have your first altercation. The  awesomeness and rosy cheeks and the wild sex has that  KABOOM moment something happens that make our eyes fall out of our heads and our heart plummet…

Why does this happen?

Because we are the sum total of where we have been.

Re read this phrase my dearest reader.

Let me clarify in a very simple way – you were brought up to be on guard because of the nasty things that have happened to you or been said to you – your natural reaction is to be defensive. Another scenario, you are very sensitive to people around you who are on drugs or alcohol, you have an aversion to it.

Now in walks your partner and commits the cardinal sin of reacting to something that you have quite innocently done – oblivious the to the fact that there is a whole lot more history to this REACTION and it is the end, your heart feels stomped on and there is confusion from both parties. Reacting puts the “blame” on someone or something that is external because of the knee jerk manner in a particular situation.

It is a great and conscious task to tell your self that you should try and be new/fresh when going into a new relationship because the can of worms will be opened sooner or later – so with this in mind, how can we help ourselves?

It all boils down to being emotionally intelligent. Being emotionally smart is not the faint hearted, it takes guts and courage to go within to learn. Responding instead of reacting takes work as it means you are willing to suspend your judgement and be willing to listen. It takes great bravery to step away from yourself and sometimes even step away from a relationship if you need to heal that part if your partner cannot be there with you. We all have issues, with labels and its never neatly written. The labels are scribbled and we have to look hard to see what written in our psyche. If you are lucky enough to have someone who is there for you and with you hang onto them as they are gems.

We can learn though and be conscious, so try using the following tools and tune into your emotions before reacting to an event.

  • Get into tune with your body, when you feel the psychical that matches the emotions recognise it and slow down and examine where this reaction has come from
  • Know who the people are who like to push your buttons and don’t get drawn into THEIR drama, its their reaction not yours
  • Realise that you are sometimes the issue
  • Ask a question – just in case you have not heard right, this also gives you time to pause and calm down
  • Talk to someone who is unbiased and of a generally sound mind. If you chat to a drama friend you are not going to learn anything.
  • And if you have flown off the handle its not wrong to apologise but this does not let you off the hook. LEARN and do your utmost not to repeat.

 Go out there and act with bravery!


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