New Employment Regulations 2013


SICKDAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

MARTENITY LEAVE

Kort Kort pregnant is banned. You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval you’ll then be allowed to be pregnant. It will only be allowed once in 10yrs and you only get 1 month maternity leave. No male shall get leave related to his wife’s pregnancy, sickness or even death (he is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker)

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS

Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allocated time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open..

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

PS. The above information is just to make you laugh a little and is not actual regulations…too many droopy shoulders have been spotted. A little laughter is always good 😉

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