Are you quietly waiting in the in the EQ Queue? 13

Are you quietly waiting in the in the EQ Queue?

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is more important than IQ when working with other people. Are you able to be assertive without being aggressive? How do you respond to manipulation?

In today’s business world organisations do not compete with their products. They compete through using their most valuable resource, their people. Good interpersonal skills are vital to allow this to happen.

Well then what is EQ? EQ is the ability to read, understand and interact with people. How do you know if a person has a high EQ? Can you see it? It’s really more a feeling and noticing how they interact and behave in work or social situations.

While you quietly waiting in the in the EQ Queue consider whether you have the following:

Listening skills
Questioning skills
Ability to give instruction
Ability to give and receive feedback
Knowledge of self

Whether you have these skills or not will to a large extent determine your behavior. Your behavior will either enhance the interpersonal skills (IPS) process or damage it. If you have a high EQ it will be easy to establish rapport or trust. If you have a low EQ your behavior may contradict your verbal signals.

Remember you control your behavior!!!

The best communicators exhibit behavioral activity that matches the behavior and body language of the person they are communication with. This is also called mirroring. Your behavior will be affected by your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, values and your current situation.

People will draw their own conclusions about you during the interpersonal process. These conclusions will be based primarily upon what they see – your behavior. This will impact upon how they feel about you and how they will respond to you.

Aggression is a behaviour feared by many of us! It’s no wonder as aggressive body language includes: Gritted or bared teeth, clenched fists, bulging eyes, pointing or stabbing fingers, high color and excessive combative gestures!

Elements of aggressive behavior may exhibit as, outbursts of strong or violent emotions and excessive use if ‘I’ statements. Threats, negative language and confrontational personalized comments are made often with a complete disregard of the thoughts and feelings of the other party.

Manipulation is a form of aggression that is not always obvious. Sometimes it may be done onto you without you knowing! Manipulation builds a lack of trust and resentment. The most common ways of dealing with aggression are to fight back and defend yourself or to act submissively and remove yourself from the situation. Neither of these are long term behavioral solutions when dealing with aggressive people.

As a longer term solution we can respond to an aggressive situation or person by being assertive. What is assertiveness? Assertiveness is best described as standing up for your own rights without interfering with the rights and beliefs of others. Being assertive is useful when disagreeing with a superior about something which adversely affects you. It is being able to saying no to someone putting an unfair demand on you.

Are you quietly waiting in the in the EQ Queue?

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13 thoughts on “Are you quietly waiting in the in the EQ Queue?

  • Michelle Jordaan

    Thanks Peter,for such informative and interesting information.

     I also feel that conscious coaching can play such a valuable role in todays stressful life as well as where bad habits are chosen as outlets as a consequence of lack of deep self awareness.

  • Pearl Jenny Seigel Post author

    Thanks Peter I’ll take a look at what has been written by the two Profs that you mention. I’ve also found Symbolic Modelling as explored by Penny Tomkins really informative when looking at metaphors and clean language.

  • Peter B. Steinegger

    Hi Pearl, yes I am fammiliar with D Goleman. Yes indeed being aware and conscioulsy recognicing the “red flag” very much ties in with awreness to the point of empowered to self regulate. The work of Prof Stephen Porges on the Poly Vagal Theroy and Social Engagement has in recent times provided us with insights from the neurology side as to how we even get to the point be able to recognice such flags. The recent work of Dr Peter A Levine (Somatic Experiencing) adds to the same at the level of application for coaching and therpeutic intervention. These are all formulated indicators through literature, applealing to the neocortex!!!! I always stand in awe of the likes such as Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela etc who were able to naturally go deep into self awarenss and come out on the otherside with the most profound insights and wisdom. Kindly. Peter

  • Pearl Jenny Seigel Post author

    Hi Peter, thanks for your valuable insights … your knowledge and work sounds really interesting and necessary in our stressful world. Have you read Daniel Golemans books on Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence? He explores neuro techniques, post traumatic stress and more. On a personal level I find when I’m about to respond in a way that does not fit a current situation, my unconscious and/or subconscious mind has taken over (being aware of this … I call it “Red Flagging”) … I need to be aware and self regulate my response to fit the now rather than some prior situation.

  • Pearl Jenny Seigel Post author

    Hi there Kim … many years ago I was looking for a book on EQ and was unable to find one! While I was studying MBL I came across an article written by Daniel Goleman on the “Contagion effect of Leadership”. This interesting article explored how a leader’s attitudes, moods and beliefs could influence all people in an organisation. A while after that I found Daniel Goleman had written 2 books – later published as one book. The one was on Emotional Intelligence and I think the other one was on Social Intelligence. I found both these books really helpful and read them more than once over several years. You may find useful techniques by reading these books. But to answer your question about book throwing people … does walking out help? Also, you may want to consider this situation and decide what other options you may have? 

  • Pearl Jenny Seigel Post author

    Hi all … thanks for your comments and sharing your insights! I always find I learn a lot from the perspectives of others … a really special many heads are better than one 🙂

  • Peter B. Steinegger

    Hi Michelle. About self regulation: I am writing from my preferred and specialized field which is neuroscience. My application of neuro science is within coaching and also therapeutically/clinically with trauma and stress related work. Hence I work with individuals and groups suffering consciously or un-diagnosed from symptoms of Post-Traumatic-Stress. Because work with stress and trauma is so prelevant amongst the human race globally, formidable research and therapeutic work has together with other reasons influenced general psychology and coaching etc. Much is written on self regulation in stress and trauma orientated literature. Self-regulation is based on two pillars, one the neuro sciences, the other a somatic approach (body based approach as a core element to treatment/coaching). In coaching I have encounter some awakening to somatic work (referred to as Somatic Intelligence). If it is informed through neuro science than it is very solid and useful. Other approaches tend to be esoteric or otherwise informed and may lack a solid foundation and can be ineffective or outright harmful to clients. Hence I am emphasizing that this is a reasonably specialized field (highly effective though) and needs to be approached from a solid foundation of knowing what one is doing. It requires having learned and applied self-regulation techniques in one’s own life and able to self regulate one’s own human organism before working with clients/patients. Self regulation implies understanding based on neuro science in what nervous system we ourselves or any client is operating at any moment in time. This understanding can be learned; again the best of the best trauma literature covers such. It is learned by understanding all nervous systems and their functions and learning the physiological correlations between any one operative nervous system and physiological expressions manifested. Hence I can say that someone showing tension in their jaw during a conversation is operating in the sympathetic nervous system with dorsal nerve arousal. Someone appearing relaxed and socially engaged during a conversation operates within the Ventral Vagal nervous system which is afferent, i.e. from the heart to the brain and not efferent, i.e. the brain to the organ. (some nervous systems work from the brain to the organ, these are efferent. Others work from the organ received stimuli to the brain, these are afferent). This is all very critical as it provides a clear map of where the client is at. This is more accurate than the client’s verbal feedback as many clients are stuck and even struggle to understand/feel themselves and make sense of themselves and their realties. It is also more accurate than the client’s verbal feedback because feedback is neocortex based (thinking, reasoning, talking about it).  The problem with neocortex activity is that it is not an accurate description because of various unconscious interferences related to structuring memory and also construction of emotions. BUT, the somatic approach, the map of the body is not affected by such interference, it is the most accurate map as much stems from afferent reflexes (neuro-physiological), hence the body can’t lie and mirrors the truth of what is happening. This is because afferent reflexes are the reflexes that start in the organ/body and not the thinking brain. The neocortex will say “I don’t think I am tense”, but the afferent somatic reflex will show that the jaw is jittery and the shoulder contracted, hence the body actually is tense even though through thought not acknowledged. Or the client will say “I think I am tense” because they are aware that the jaw is jittery, or their shoulders contracted. Hence the physical sensation always precedes the resulting emotion as well as the articulated acknowledgement or denial of the sensation, and so it goes on. In other words a neuro science somatic approach will provide this map, understanding what happens in the neurophysiology, i.

  • Peter B. Steinegger

    Behavior in the absence of EQ is aptly described,e.g lack of assertivness, agression etc, including the physiological maifestations associated to such behavior, e.g raising of voice, clenching of jaw, grinding of teeth etc. Both behavior and physiology is manifested to the external world with or without a certain level of EQ. Let us be mindful that EQ (the emotions which arise within us and manifest in behavior) are not just a repetior of conscious choices at our dissposal but are often the “uncontrolled” and “unconscious” reaction which we often don’t understand and even surprice us that they emerge within us. Hence, an element of absence of EQ ties in with just not knowing how to change and there is no apparent switch to turn it off until such time EQ is tied in with PQ (Physiological Intelligence- often also refered to as pyscho-education or somatic intelligence). What this implies is that the behavior manifested in more than a EQ process, it is as much a physiological process. Drawing from neuro-science we know that emotions are generated through various brain functions. Some important brain functions in this regard relate to the autonimic nervous sysetm. Today we are fortunate that neuro -science has evolved tremendously with much scientific information. One area of such contribution from neuro-science is that we are able to know more about brain function REGULATION. When we learn to be aware and conscious (PQ) of our physiology at any moment in time and with the aid of techniques which enable  us to self regulate our arousal states (subsequently what emerges as emotions without falling victim to our emotions) we are empowered to shift towards EQ, PQ and ultimately SQ (Spiritual Intelligence). Self regulation is a dominat componant in the evolution of behavior including in stress management. These neuro-techniques are very powerful and enable us to regulate consciously our nervous system and allow us to switch between nervous systems to control arousal, hence we are not needing to fall prey to sudden unpredicatble behavior which seemingly we become victim to. For more info ask me about self regulation techniques.

  • Kim Ben

    Hi there Pearl 

    Excellent piece, i have come across that not a lot of people know about EQ. 

    Even though I have learnt and stride to have a High EQ, i still seem to have difficulty dealing with people that is overly aggressive such as violent emotions, profanity (towards me) as well as outburst example throwing a book across a table when in a meeting. I tend to just walk out.  Any advice?